Timestamps

00:00:00: Introduction
00:01:22: Overcoming conflict as a confidence gremlin
00:03:32: Idea for action: when you see it, say it
00:04:27: Go-to guru
00:04:58: Relevant podcast episode
00:05:04: Final thoughts

Interview Transcription

Sarah Ellis: Hi, I'm Sarah.

Helen Tupper: And I'm Helen.

Sarah Ellis: And you're listening to the Squiggly Careers podcast.  This episode is part of our Skills Sprint series.  We've recorded 20 episodes, each less than seven minutes long, that we hope are going to help you to build some career development momentum.  In every episode, we talk about a Squiggly Skill, what it is and why it matters, share an idea for action each, and give you a go-to guru and a podcast episode so you can learn more.  And we want you to turn your skills sprint into a learning streak.  And so for everyone who completes a 20-day learning streak, we'll be offering you a free Five Skills to Succeed in a Squiggly Career virtual workshop in September.  If you post about your progress on social and tag us @amazingif, and we'll be in touch to tell you more. 

Helen Tupper: So, in this sprint, we're going to be talking about the maybe tricky topic of conflict, which is a really important Squiggly Career skill, because it's very likely in our Squiggly Careers that we're going to be dealing with a bit more difference, because we're working with lots of different people, lots of different places.  Difference can sometimes feel difficult, it can lead to debate, and if we're not able to manage that in a really constructive way, then that conflict can get in our way.  So, the better able we are to get comfortable with conflict, then the better able we are to succeed with all of that difference and difference that we're likely to face. 

Sarah Ellis: So, conflict is one of my confidence gremlins.  So, confidence gremlins are beliefs that hold you back.  I would just like everybody to get on all of the time in my ideal world, but that's not how the world works.  And also, that would limit our learning if that was how the world works.  So, rationally and objectively, I know that, but this is a skill I've had to work on very intentionally so that I can squiggle with success, essentially, so it doesn't get in my way.  And I have a few, I think they are really mindset points that then have helped me to reframe what does conflict look and feel like for me.  Because I think even the word "conflict" has probably been quite unhelpful for me. 

So, I replace conflict with curiosity; I replace difficult with different; and, conversation with conversations.  So, bringing those three things together, curiosity for me looks like, "Don't try and win a difficult conversation, ask open curious questions"; "Don't label people as being difficult, just see them as having a different point of view and then you'll have a much more constructive, challenging conversation"; and remember, you don't have to resolve everything in that moment.  You don't need to put the pressure on yourself to think we've got to sort all this out right now.  It can be a number of conversations". 

So, it's something I still find hard, but I think I am now able to stay present and contribute in those moments by having those things in mind as sort of that's my mindset.  And I think how that shows up is just in asking open, curious questions.  I never then try and persuade somebody to come round to my point of view in that moment.  What I actually do is very much that "seek first to understand and then be understood".  And it sometimes mainly works! 

Helen Tupper: It mainly works!  I definitely see, you know, you and me might have a conflict, I definitely see a deep breath.  There's definitely, you are conscious of the conflict and then what you're going to do as a result of it.  It's definitely very intentional how you respond to it, but that's good, right, because the unintentional thing is the kind of emotion. 

Sarah Ellis: Shut down! 

Helen Tupper: Yeah, shut down!  So, my top tip for dealing with conflict is when you see it, say it.  And I will have a bit of a caveat here; you don't want to come across as confrontational, so I don't want to be like, "Oh, Sarah, well this is a disaster, isn't it?  Let's talk about it".  So, I do think your tone and your timing is quite important with this.  But let's say I'm getting a sense that Sarah and I are disagreeing on a particular thing that we're trying to work on.  Rather than letting that sit and simmer, I will often say something like, "Okay, it seems like we're coming at this from a different perspective, what do you think would be most helpful now?"  And sometimes that might be like, "Well, let's take a bit of a break because this isn't that productive", or sometimes it might be, "Well, why don't we just put our ideas down on paper and talk about each one in turn?"  There's often a way through, but when it just sits and simmers, it sort of becomes a bit difficult.  And I would much rather, with the right tone and the right timing, see it and then say it, and that's how I've found it helpful to move forward from conflict. 

Our go-to guru on the topic is Amy Gallo, and Amy's in a really good podcast with us all about dealing with conflict, but she's also written, more recently than that podcast, a brilliant book about how you can deal with difficult people, and she profiles the difficult types of people that we might encounter in our organisations and gives you some tactics for how you can resolve conflict with them, because there's not really a one-size-fits-all approach to this, depending on the conflict you're dealing with, and I think Amy covers that in a really practical and quite empathetic way.

Sarah Ellis: And if you want to learn a bit more by listening, episode number 79 of our podcast is on Coping with Conflict at Work.        

Helen Tupper: Thank you for listening to this Skills Sprint, we hope you found it useful.  We would love you to subscribe so you don't miss any of the sprint episodes in this series, and also to let us know how you're getting on, tagging us in your posts.  But that is all for this episode, so bye for now. 

Sarah Ellis: Bye everyone.